You will get to know me through time and time will tell, if I will have you as a listener or just a casual passer by. We all have different characters and different reasons for being on the internet and some don't feel like listening to others drama's and tantrums and I am not asking you to. This is just a place for me to vent and let things out in the world, instead of it boiling inside of me stewing...no matter who is listening.
I have a difficult mind and a lot of things I say, comes from a darker place...things that needs to come out, that others might not understand or misinterpret. If you see one of my posts with a "Morbid" warning, you can ignore it if you don't feel like listening to my whinging... but it needs to come out, lest I spend another fort-night in a cold hospital room for smashing my fist through a cupboard door...
...MORBID POST AHEAD...
Apart from the physical...the Marfan's...the silly spelling mistake in my DNA which dictates my life, I am also having to put up with a mind that does not always function as a "normal" mind should. I have Bipolar Disorder. If you know what that means, you might somehow understand some of my rantings during this post. If you don't, let me enlighten you...
I don't know all the techinical, medical criterea they used to qualify me as being Bipolar, what I do know, is that I suffer from multiple mental difficulties. These range from Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and even possibly ... Oh how I love that word "possibly", so easily flung around by medical professionals ... Borderline Personality Disorder.
To get back to the post at hand... This whole week, I have been feeling Manic, estatic and up-beat, with all kinds of ideas racing through my mind like a runaway freight-train. I should know by now, that it's a clear sign of things to come... The longer and stronger the Manic phase...the harder and deeper the depressive phase will be that follows...and it's here...in a big way.
I can't sleep right now...and that's a bad sign. Sleep is my only escape from this world and it is something I usually miss every single waking moment, but tonight I can't sleep. My mind is racing, still high from the Manic demons that flooded my brain yet on a downward spiral spinning ever faster and faster into the cold, dark abyss that is depression.
My body has been broken, for years and years...my mind has been dead for longer than I can remember. Some days, I feel I am just passing the time until the day I finally go to sleep...and not wake up. I see no purpose nor reason for my existance (and all the classical reasonings of a depressed mind). The only reason for me hanging on, is my family and even then, I don't know why. I am loved by my family, yet I don't feel it. I am constantly surrounded by my family, yet I am constantly alone. What I need, is not their practical support, nor their money, nor their advice, nor their "sad masks" they put on to try and show me they care. I need someone who really cares. Someone who will hold me tight, kiss my forehead and warm my heart with the true feeling that they care. Someone whom I can feel that they love me...someone who really cares. Family is just there because they have to. Your parents only love you because they gave birth to you.
I don't need sympathy...I need empathy.
There is a subtle difference, between the two concepts. People sympathise when a loved one dies...they don't truely feel something...they most likely never even knew the person. Empathy, comes from the person next to you at the funeral, weeping their eyes out, drawing you close and holding you tight. Doctors sympathise with your situation, when they can't help you, and it leaves a bitter aftertaste in your mouth.
Empathy, can only come from those, who are willing to take the time to search their hearts, pour their feelings out and feel the pain that you are going thorugh. Empathy can only come from those, whom is willing to stop what they are doing and through their arms around you and comfort you. It is so much simpler, for one human being, to show empathy if they had gone through the same trials as you have... The reason is they don't have to make an effort to try and think themselves into your situation.
My life is devoit of purpose...for my heart is devoit of love.
... SO ENDS THIS MORBID POST, WITH THE HOPE THAT THE CONFUSED LANGUAGE OF MY SOUL, MAKES SENSE TO SOMEONE ...
With a firewall...
8 years ago
I can tell you that your parents really do care, that not all parents give a rat's ass or even bother to pretend that they do. But it really doesn't matter if your parents care when you can't feel it, you can only know it to be true. And for now, you have to accept what you know to be true standing in for what you feel to be true. Emotions are liars, fickle, destroyers. Yeah, yeah, they can also make you elated, joyful, glad. That's the set up for the let down. Peace comes from finding a middle path of mental clarity, and being able to stick to it. And that isn't easy when you have emotions that tear at you, pushing you off the path with their hallucinations and lies.
ReplyDeleteKeep posting. I'll read. And I'll respond. Don't go dark. If you have to go to the hospital for a while, say so first. Arrange for someone to post for you if you end up being away for longer than you expect.
I wonder if bipolar is really all that different than migraines. At least, for a lot of people, migraines and epilepsy too are preceded by intense creativity or emotion, and then there is the horrible crash. It seems like there is so much overlap between neurological illnesses. If only doctors really understood even one, it would be a door opening for everyone.
Thanks, I really appreciate it...and I will
ReplyDeleteSometimes I wonder about these mental illness diagnosis. They work very much on a basis of symptoms and reaction to medication and never really on physical findings.
Brain MRI's is not going to show any conclusive proof either unless you are having an event right at the moment the machine happens to capture your brain activity. Even lesions is not that easy to identify, so that is something that can't be ruled out.
My grandma passed away from having a brain lesion after surviving three strokes... go figure
Drake, I want to take the opportunity to tell you that you are a sweetie, and have a way with words. No, not the mangling of spelling, ya silly. You are evocative, and able to express great tenderness. I love what you wrote Beth, and am drawn to what you have written here, and in your posts to me.
ReplyDeleteOff to work with me now. As my day begins, may your evening be peaceful.
I can definitely relate to what you write here... and to your point about the nature of Mental Health diagnoses. I'm supposedly a depressive with an anxiety disorder, but the counselling help I finally got through the NHS (I'm UK-based) was with someone who insisted that I was causing myself a lot of my problems (work stuff, being lonely, etc.) by using the label depression as an excuse, and that I had to get off the medication that lets me keep working as soon as possible as it wasn't normal. And 'depression can mean so many things'. And that since I manage to work, to make it to appointments, to turn up clean and respectably dressed, it's clearly not that much of an issue.
ReplyDeletebut as you can imagine after waiting for over a year to get some sort of 'talking therapy help' to basically be told that the diagnosis was possibly wrong and certainly not helpful... effectively what I heard was that it was My Fault. Grrr.
Yanub...
ReplyDelete* Blush * thanks * stare at toe, scratching in dirt *. Now I'l most probably get "performance anxiety"
JaneB
I know what you mean... How is it my fault that my brain's chemistry is messed up?
Not that much of an issue...sheesh, that person deserves a smack upside the head!