Pets, Vets & the long wait...

Last night, on arriving home, something was different.  Jessi (Short for Jessica), our Lab-Elsation didn't come to greet me...she was lying in her doggy bed not moving.  As I approached her bed, Lolli the Lab-Rotweiler started whining ... a weird odd whine that I have only heard once before during the time that Pattat, rest his loving soul, our Lab-Husky was diagnosed with cancer ...  and would keep on whining, getting more serious the closer I got to Jessi.  Eventually, I went to my mom and asked her what is wrong with Jessi.  She said she didn't know but that she had slinked in, almost crawling across the kitchen floor and hadn't even bothered to open the security gate with her paw ... her favorite act of the day ...  instead waiting for my mom to open it.

Now Jessi, has had sight problems since a very young age.  Due to the genetic predisposition of Elsations, to getting cataracts and the Labrador mix, we werent able to save her eye sight and she has been blind for some years now.  She is very happy without sight though and adjusted very well.  At this point tho, we suspect that she had somehow hurt herself, either through getting a fright or while wrestling around with Lolli.  Her hind quarters doesn't seem to be working all that well and seems to want to give way under her the whole time.  We toke her to the vet last night and he said he would have to wait till this morning when his staff came in, to take some X-Rays and run some tests.  He also said that it is either an injury to her spine or due to old-age.  I can't remember how old Jessi is, but I would have to guess that she is well over 7 years.  

She was such a brave little trooper.  When my dad had come home and we decided to get her to the vet (Neither me nor my mom could pick her up), she calmly followed him to the garage, allowed him to pick her up and place her in the pick-up.  When we arrived at the vets, she allowed the vet to prod and poke her and then when he placed her in the holding pen, she sniffed around a bit and happily laid down to sleep.

All we can do now, is wait for the vet to X-Ray her and run the tests on her before we know what decisions we will have to make ...

It is odd tho when you think about it.  In the case of a human being, "mercy death" is concidered to be taboo but when it comes to pets and animals, it is almost a prerecuesite in the case of a bad illness and/or injury.  This is made even more strange due to the adaptability of animals, which in my view, they are much more capable at than humans.  Obviously the one reasoning, is that animals can't speak and/or tell you how much pain/discomfort they are in and the other being that a dog can have, and correct me if I am wrong, 60%? of it's vital organs fail and you wouldn't even know about it untill it was too late.  This already happened to one of our dogs called Soentjies (Kisses in english).

This raises another point ... thinking back, we have had a lot of pets and counting our dogs alone, which we always tried to have in pairs of two or more, replacing the one as they passed away to keep the other happy and in company, there was:

Knersis

  Type:  Pavement Special

  Color:  Black

  Sex:  Male

  English Name:  ?

  Passed:  Lost -

Voetsek

  Type: Labrador

  Color: Black

  Sex: Female

  English Name:  ughm.. "Piss off" ... if someone were to break in, and the dog attacks and they tell it to go away, it keeps on coming ;D

  Passed:  Old Age

Wollie

  Type: Skipper/Foxterier

  Color: Beige

  Sex: Female

  English Name:  Wooly ...  She looked like a ball of wool as a puppy

  Passed:  Old Age - Choked on a bone ... she was gone by the time we got her to the vets

Soentjies

  Type: Australian Ridgeback/Labrador

  Color: Beige

  Sex: Female

  English Name:  Kisses ... She kept on giving doggy kisses in the face of the person holding her

  Passed:  Old Age - Total organ shut down

Krimmel

  Type: Australian Ridgeback/Labrador

  Color: Beige

  Sex: Female

  English Name:  Crums ... She would have crums around her mouth after eating

  Passed:  Kidney failure, hip problems

Pattat 

  Type: Husky/Labrador

  Color: Beige/Off-White

  Sex: Male

  English Name:  Patatoes ... He loved patatoes ...

  Passed:  Old Age - Cancer

Lollie

  Type: Rotweiler/Labrador

  Color: Beige

  Sex: Female

  English Name:  As in Lollie-pop but my mom initially wanted to call her Wollie the 2nd but it brought up too many memories

Jessi 

  Type: Elsation/Labrador

  Color: Beige

  Sex: Female

  English Name:  Short for Jessica ... she was already named when we got her

Krimmel was the only exception to the rule as we obtained her after Soentjies but she passed away before Soentjies due to kidney failure and hip problems.

News on Jessi!

Wouldn't you know it...as I am typing the blog we got news on Jessi...  The vet said he is very happy with her this morning as she is walking around, nudging the nurses and looking much stronger.  The X-Rays showed narrowing of the spinal vertebrae due to old age.  He said that she is too old for surgery but that medication should definately help her.

She is such a sweet heart!  I can imagine her bugging the nurses :D.  Always full of love, care and attention and would sit on your feet so she knows she is close to you, as she can't see you.

Phew!  What a relief!  Yet, this just shows that she is no spring chicken any more and some things are inevitable ... when, I won't know but at least I still have time to cherish her ... My sweet heart doggy!  She's getting a huge hug and some Beeno's when I get home!

Hobbies, Woblies and other this & that's

A while back, I decided to try and find an alternative hobby, seeing as PC's & playing music on Electronic Keyboards is not particularly conducive to my wrist ache's and pains ... ummm yea ... now I have yet another pet peve giving me grief which I am refusing to give up ;P.

My batteries in my R\C Helo died on me about a month ago, refusing to charge, so I went out and bought some new ones this weekend after spending an exhaustive time running around in gift shops and scrap-booking shops looking for something else and ending up empty handed.

I don't know wether it was due to the Electronic Keyboard playing on Friday & Saturday or from gripping the radio control with one hand while picking up the Helo (after crashing into the couch), but now my right hand's fourth finger, on the first joint, is hurting everytime I flex it.

To the "norms" out there, that would sound like just plain whinging over a sprained finger and I would have agreed ... had I been a norm.  Unfortunately, more-often than not, these things tend to be permanent.  Joint problems is a real pain ... pardo the pun ...  Sure, it's not going to hurt ALL the time, hiding away every so often and luring me into a false sense of security, biding it's time so it can leap out at the most inopertune moment ...  Going to the doctor?  Yea right ...  Unless something is broken and/or torn, there is virtually nothing my GP would be able to do, apart from giving me Anti-Inflams which is not going to do anything as the pain is not Inflam based but rather joint position based ... and which he would be reluctant to do in the first place given my families history with pain medication and the fact that too many AI's will start to negatively impact on your digestive system, especially liver and kidneys.

At any rate, complaints aside, I haven't had a LOT of practice with it, but slowly and surely I am getting there.  I can now at least hover it in one place without it weaving around like a crazy dragonfly on drugs, smashing into everything it can and being magnetically drawn to fixed objects.  My next challenge, will be to start getting it to move forward, back and from side to side without losing control over it, which becomes difficult as all the messing about with controls could cause it to end up in the wrong orientation, which is something I haven't gotten used to yet.  It's what is called "Nose in flying" when the helo is pointing towards you instead of away from you and somehow, my brain just can't figure out what's happening even tho it is as simple as the fact that the left, right, forward and backward is reversed.  One would think it simple, as land-based R\C's has the same issue and I don't have the same problem with them, however, given the additional dimention of up and down, as in flight, seems to confuse the issue... sheesh... weird...

I am however enjoying it tremendously ... apart from finger strains ... and one thing I must admit, thank goodness for replacement parts!  Even tho it is a "Trainer", with a dual rotor setup instead of a tail rotor and soft flexible skin,  things still break.  I had gone through 3 sets of blades, one main landing gear and one rear landing gear ... not to mention two confused doggies and stressed out furniture ...  I finally got some "Unbreakeable" blades which helped a heck of a lot as they withstand impact better than the standard carbon fibre blades.  The only draw back is that they are solid plastic and thus heavier than the more flexible and light carbon fibre blades  but that's not concerning me, as at this point I much rather prefer NOT having too much speed and lift.

Also, on another front, I have been on the ***** council for about two years now but it's becoming way too draining to visit ***** or even going to ***** council meetings.  I advised them yesterday that I am struggling with acceptance as well as energy at the end of the day and that I am not able to perform my duties as expected from me.  To my surprise, I get a response today, stating that they fully appreciate my situation, that I should complete the current round of visits on my own time and that they will be looking into getting me discharged.  Things are looking much brighter now, as I was really demorilised and depressed about not being able to perform my duties properly and having them understand, means a lot.

~ Drake ~

P.S.  If you were wondering why I was masking out ***** ... for some reason I just don't feel comfortable talking about it in the open ... and yes, that is a flaw, but Social Angst works in mysterious ways.  Also, my dad has taught me that there are two things you need to avoid discussing ... lest you become the target of redicule, ranting, raving, flaming etc.  and even though I wouldn't mind standing up for my self, this is not the place for that ;D

Good things come to thos who wait...

Initially when I started the blog, I mentioned something about a new job offer in the making...

Well, this morning, I signed a 4 month evaluation contract!  Yay!  It toke them long enough to get to this point but I think they were stalling so I would start in Jan, rather then Dec.  But I am sooo relieved!  Yay! Yay! and double Yay! or is that triple Yay?  Heck, counting the initial Yay it could allready be the 4th...and then again, I have just said Yay again a couple of more times...hmmm...  suffice it to say Yay!

The current position is just becoming too much for me to handle with a straight face and with a cool composure.  I am a perfectionist in a weird way...  When it comes to coding, I don't like making compromises, doing guess work or having to remember every single place that code was duplicated due to lazy/bad/poor programming, planning and documentation.  What's more, is I don't like the mentallity that some software houses tend to have, but I don't want to go into that, lest I jinx my self and the next company turns out to be just as bad/rotten.

I am not going to be running around looking for the impossible "perfect" job, but there is a lot of things I just won't comprimise on and I want to get as close to "happy" in a job as I can get...  After all, even tho I feel old as heck, I have to work at the company for as long as I am able to and I am still young.  Getting home miserable, irretated and annoyed by bad bussiness policies and poor standards, is not my idea of living.  We spend so much time at work and I feel a strong urge to be able to say that I take pride in my work and my code... and not that I feel proud about swindling some poor sap out of his hard-earned cash by selling him substandard products.

Now the only hangup is breaking the bad news to my current boss.  I don't have anything against the Company or the people that work there...just the way that they work.

At any rate, this is me saying YAY!  With a somewhat more upbeat post for a change... go figure!

Paranoia v.s. Irresponsible

I decided to take yanub's advice and just check with my opthalmologist about the visual experiences during my flight...

I spoke with him over the phone this morning, and he said he had no idea what would cause what I described but said that because the experience did not persist, there should be no risk or need to investigate further. At this point, I am just resigning to trusting his judgement...but it does bother me a little bit that most sites speaks of increased floaters as a symptom of a possible retinal detachment and he didn't even mention it. The other thing that bothers me, is the fact that even though he outright admits to not knowing what could have caused the streaking, he acts as if tho it does not need further investigation. Hmmm... I guess I am just paranoid due to doctors having missed the MFS diagnosis for so long and all the "Unknown" conditions I have to contend with in my body. Things like the palinopsia that is miraculously cured by the use of anti-epilepsy pills scares me. I still don't know what is causing it, the doctors don't know what is causing it but heck, seeing as the pills are making a difference...case closed according to them. I don't know, something about that just makes me very nervous.

It feels like I am walking a tight rope between Paranoia and Irresponsibility. Some people might say I am being paranoid and over sensitive, yet others would say that it would be irresponsible to just ignore it...  

In my view though, I am really not keen on another ghost hunt... It just demoralises me when medical professionals finds nothing wrong, yet there is definately something abnormal happening. Initially, with the palinopsia, I had gone through a barrage of tests, including expensive Brain-MRI's and EEG's just to end up with no answers and having pills shoved down my throught in a ditch effort to get rid of the symptoms ... the problem is still not identified and/or treated,

Uncertainty, is the biggest pain in my life. I hate uncertainty... but, what can you do. Doctors are only humans and they don't always have all the answers and it is far from a life-threatening situation, just a very real irretation.

Flying is fun! - Not -

At this point, I must have left comments all over blog-ville appologising for my ubrupt absence, so here is the full story.

I had to fly down to the coast, on short notice, to try and sort out some issues at one of our clients. First of all, the last time I flew was when I was 10 years old and it was no joy ride...  I was crying all the way from ear-ache, so my memories of flying werent too rose coloroud to begin with.  Second of all, I wasn't sure wether I was even allowed to fly due to my condition.  I had to make a rush phone call to my cardiologist to make sure that it wasn't going to give me problems.  Seeing as it was only an hour and a half's flight, the cardio didn't see any problem with it.  

All in all, it didn't go too badly and most probably could have gone worse.

On boarding, I literally banged my knees every second row of seats.  The isles is just too narrow, especially when trying to carry a bag which keeps throwing you off balance the whole time.  This is scary to me, seeing as I am so scrawny and I just can't imagine how someone with a larger "weight to height ratio" get's through hehe...

Take off is a bit of a white-nuckle thing the first time around, as anxiety rises, but looking out the window does wonders.  If you see what the world outside is doing, your mind doesn't have to race around trying to keep you calm that everything is going smoothly ;D.  I had pinging/stinging ear-aches every 15-odd minutes from equalising but at least nothing half as bad as I could remember having as a kid.

After reaching altitude, the only real issue reared it's head.  I had twice as much floaters running around in front of my vision and my vision was streaky and blurry.  Kinda like when you spill ink in water and it forms these streaks.  I guess that's just the affect of the altitude on my eye pressure and most likely the veigns that I saw, which explained the "root" like structure of the streaks.  These persisted during the whole flight and an hour after landing and did the same on the return flight.  As I don't fly that often, I would like to know, how much this occurs in a "normal" person?  Should I be concerned about it, see an opthalmologist after every flight to check for retinal problems?  I did feel slight grittyness in my eyes during flight, which could be a sign of detachment but seeing as the effects wasn't permanent I supposed I don't really nead to worry about it.

I felt a bit woozy, nausia and faint during most of my stay down at the coast which was more than likely my blood-pressure & VP's acting up.  I really had a sort of "opressive" feeling about me during my stay and when I got back home it was like this huge weight was lifted.  I guess I ain't getting no beach house if that's what I feel like at the coast.  Mind you, even though I haven't flown a lot, I have been to the coast a lot and this is the first time I had felt so "iffy".

The rest of it was just all fun and games...  Reaching up to adjust the air-flow and watch the passenger next to me's expression when my wrist joint popped.  Then, when getting up from my seat after landing ... I don't know wether this was due to the seat or the cabin pressure ... my chest gave a huge "SNACK!!!" sound.  I was laughing all the way out after seeing my fellow passengers reactions to that one!  But honestly, this was the loudest rib-cage pop I have ever had and it literrally felt like my sternum had somehow buckled inwards and popped back out when I had gotten up.

My biggest gripes about the whole affair, is that 1, my GPRS signal for some reason, was really bad, so I couldn't browse >:(  and 2, the weather was way too nasty to even walk on the beach, let alone take a dip.  At least I was able to get a lot done and get these people back on to track and although it is fun watching the fluffy clouds as they go by, I am definately not a fan of flying ...in an airplane at least...  It's just too much of an iffy feeling, in the air and the ground...

 

The Denial Game

This will most likely sound like some sort of "self pitty" blog, but I don't care.  If I don't say it, it will stay in my head and if it stays in my head, it doesn't get said...

Denial is a strange thing...  It kreeps up on you without you even noticing it.  I keep on getting moments whereby I wonder to my self..."Is this diagnosis not maybe a silly mistake?  Is all my problems not maybe just all in my head?".  I was sitting at work, looking at my screen ...ironically enough, getting frustrated with palinopsic shadow's... and thinking, "Do I really need these wrist braces?  Do I really need to be working with a pen & tablet instead of a mouse or am I just being over dramatic?"  The next moment, as if to slap me in the face and wake me from this wishfull thinking, my wrist burns like someone left a lit cigarette under my skin and I drop my pen to grab on to my wrist...  For an instant, the answer was "No, it's not all in my head..."  but just as quickly as it came, it disappeared again.

Trying to see it in a defferent light, I start to wonder wether thinking this way is not maybe a slap in the face of the doctor(s) that diagnosed me and that in being in denial, means I don't trust their judgement.  The first doctor was a bit obscure, toying with the idea and not really sure what to make of it...also the one to try to get me out of his office as quick as possible as he had no idea how to help me (His words, not mine).  The second was a self-assured, no doubt in my mind, years of experience exclamation.  His words was clear and his voice still echo's in my head at nights... "Boy, you have Marfan's".  The way that he said it and the tone of his voice seemed to imply "What the heck are you doing here wasting my time.  Surely by now, someone must have diagnosed you and surely by now, you should be aware that your joints is not going to work properly."  The third and the deal clincher, was my cardiologist.  He listened to my chest for barely a second, said "Uhu...um...uhum", turned on his equipment and without hesitation positioned the wand at precisely the right place and directed my eyes to the screen, showing the way that my heart-valve would billow open allowing the blood to rush out in the wrong direction.

Yet still, I do not see it.  Even amidst daily reminders that my body does not work the way it should I struggle to get to terms with it.  I wake up and it sounds as if though I am breaking my whole body apart from the cracks and pops as I stretch.  I walk up a flight of stairs and I hear a "crunch", followed by seering pain in my knee, I sit for longer than a half an hour and my back aches like some boxer repeatedly punched me, I work on the computer without my braces on, or play piano and my wrist burns like it's on fire, I stand up too fast and my vision fades to black and I have to grab on to anything and everything to stop my tall body from toppling over, I stand next to a college while trying to help him and I need to grab a chair or I forgetfully go down on my hunches and can't get back up, I stand up from my chair and my sternum cracks so loudly everyone stops what theyre doing, I sit too long in traffic and my legs turn to jello, shaking uncontrolably and my knee hurting like I had just crashed it into an object, I arrive at home with a warm home cooked meal waiting for me but I can't eat, I hardly have an appetite and people think of me as a vampire as they never see me eating, yet my BMI is up to par, I have a million and one things I still want to do, but even on weekends, I just don't have the energy to do it ... and that is on a good day.

Doctors keep on noting my high arched palette, crowded teeth, poor eye-sight, flat feet, long spidery fingers that wraps around my own wrist with ease, bad knee placement, thin long arms and legs, and tall stature, yet I still doubt them.  My doctor screams at me when I dislocate a joint because he thinks I popped it back my self while it is actually just so lax, it went back on it's own but I almost believe that I had done it ... and against doctor's orders at that.  

How can my mind examine all of these signs every day and then jump to the conclusion that I am just a weak human being, with a weak mind, trying to blame my weakness on some random coincedence that my body looks, acts and feels like that of someone who has a disorder.  Is it even possible for someone to have all of these physical attributes thrown together and not be genetically flawed...  I don't know why I find it so difficult to swallow this.  I don't know why I keep bashing my head against it instead of just carrying on with my life.  I am in no danger of getting hurt or dying, so long as I don't pick up anything heavier than a baby, push a shopping cart, step sideways, try to open a Coke bottle, run, ride bike, jump, dance...

Am I really expected to believe that I WILL shorten my life by simply going to the gym and do any form of latteral exercise, cardio vascular exercise or exerting myself to a quarter of what the teenager next to me is.  Am I really expected to believe that the two malfunctioning heart-valves WILL cause blood pressure problems which WILL inflate my aorta if I don't take the medication that I have been without for almost 29 years...would I really have died by the time I was 30 or 40 if they had not identified these "abnormalities".

Am I really "sick"...

Am I just what I think I am...

Am I lost...

Am I making a mountain out of a molehill...  

Am I complaining over nothing even though I can't do archery, epee or ice-skating.  Am I annoying others by constantly pointing out my weaknesses when asked to perform a task I have been told could injure me.  Am I weak because I can't concentrate for long enough to hold one thaught in my head without forgetting it or that I am only able to work for a short time before my mind starts realing from fatigue or racing around from boredom.

Am I who I want to be...  

Can I be who I want to be...  

Is there someone I am supposed to be...

There is so many other people out there, that has lives much more complicated and much more painfull then mine.  What right do I have to feel in pain.  What right do I have to feel weak.  What right do I have to feel sad over things I can't do.  What right do I have to call my self, even in the slightest sense, disabled.  And just for a laugh, what right do I have in getting a traffic fine squashed because the officer saw my wrist braces and felt sorry for me.

Am I really in pain?  Isn't pain normal?  Doesn't everyone dislocate their knee every 4 or 5 months?

What is normal...

What am I...

What am I supposed to be...

What do I need...what do I allow my self to have...what am I allowed to be...

Is all of my blogs doomed to be rethorical questions...ones that stick in your mind like an ice-pick that you know you won't get an answer to yet you need one...you want one...you have to have one but still you know, there will never be one.

Why am I?

Timber!!!...Trees keep on falling on my head...Knocking things out of my memory...

Ok, so not on my head...but when you are a sleep, it feels like it.

This weekend, I am sound asleep ... for a change ... when the wind decides to pick up.  At first, it just gusts a little, screaming around corners, making treas creak and then, out of nowhere, it gives a massive heave of a gust...  Next thing you know, I hear a "Creak...SLAM! and then a Clang!, Clang!, Clang!".  The dogs are going crazy inside the house ... the rotweiler/lab decided the weather was too nasty for her to be sleeping outside so we were forced to let them sleep inside ...  The blind lab elsation is running around scared , bumping into everything disorientated as heck.  I get outside and wouldn't you know it... one of the trees decided to go roots up and the garden shed's roof is loose and one of the pieces wants to lift off.

Now, the rotty/lab is ecstatitic as the tree that fell over, is the favorite roosting place for the neighberhood cats so she is crashing through the branches, looking for that elusive "ghost cat" ...  She has a tendency to keep on barking at the tree looong after the cat is gone ...  while poor blind one, is walking around tenderly as if though she has socks on ... have you ever seen a dog with socks on?  It's too adorable for words ... as she doesn't have a clue where all the obstacles are.

It toke us some time, to get the two settled down again as lab/rotty wants to be outside and lab/elsation doesn't know which way is up and which way is down.  Eventually, we get both in the house but now the confusion is getting the better of blind one...  She keeps on getting into lab/rotties doggy bed ... big mistake ... and she can't understand why we keep on chasing her out of it.  Lab/rotty is standing with her usual "army brush cut" on her back-side and we know that if we don't get the chaos sorted soon, world war III is going to ensue.

Well, finally with both tucked into their OWN individual doggy bed, off to sleep I go...not.  I tossed and turned for the rest of the night...

This weather has more than our dogs turned inside out.  If the unbearable heat isn't causing me sleepless, tossing & turning nights or sweaty days (I never sweat!), my body is busy telling me of an incomming weather front.  Sometimes two days before rain hits, I know it.  My left wrist especially, burns like someone left a lit cigarette underneath my skin, my knees ache with every step, my chest feels like an elephant sat on it ... need I say more?  

This morning, wether it is due to all the weather predictions or what, I don't know ... but all my joints has turned to jello.  I feel like a limp noodle.  My knees constantly buckle and my shoulders...  As I was lying in bed, I lifted my arm, to stretch and it fell straight down!  I think I sublaxed it to a point where the joint didn't want to function any more.  It's not like when your arm is numb...  It's weird...  

The one moment your brain is telling your arm muscle to lift up.  The next moment, your arm is lying next to you and your brain and arm muscle is having a row over the fact that the arm muscle is not doing what it's told but as far as the arm muscle is concerned, it's done every thing to the letter ...  This is happening more and more as of late.  At the office, I realised I need to avoid opening doors with my right hand, due to the fact that as soon as my shoulder goes beyond a certain point, "Pop goes the wheezle" ... or shoulder for that matter ...  It's not as bad as it sounds, as it's just "sublaxing" and not totally dislocating ... just very, very annoying and I have to rotate my shoulder outwards to get it to "pop back".

Other than mr body not wanting to play along this morning, I am having brain fog again...  I get these spells where I can't remember a thing.  I can't remember what the heck I am supposed to do at work today...  This happens more often than what I'd like to admit and sometimes, even in a matter of 10 min's.  I know that everyone forgets things from time to time, but sometimes, this becomes just plain rediculous.  There has been wonderings and murmerings in the past between my self and my mom about ADD/ADHD but heck, I am not up to going to ten different doctors and a whole heap of med-bills just to get the same old answer of "Shrug shoulders" ... "I don't know".  It does scare me at times as I would go into a "Trance" or "Auto-Pilot" on the way home and totally miss my off-ramp ...

As for my Med-Aid membership...  My dad did some investigating and the bills are all paid up in full, so now, I am trying to get a hold of these guys to see just why my membership is suspended.  Easier said than done tho...  Getting pretty annoyed with "Greensleeves" at this point...used to be my favorite as it was the first song I realised I could play without even "thinking" about it.

Any way...back to work...  Sometimes it does help to leave a bug in your code.  Helps to track down what you were doing when your mind draws a blank...